Live, Breathe, Betsy

Hmmm….I have a hard time finishing things. My mind wanders and I often forget to bring it back. I am really wishing I would have written the night I learned this lesson. I tend to make excuses for why I can’t write. Which really just means, I am making excuses to avoid myself. To not really look inside or to avoid thinking.

So here is my rambling attempt at backtracking. My boss and I went to a seminar on hair business. How to treat your clients, how to grow your business. I walked out feeling a bit more like I’d been handed a life lesson….or three.

Selfless I spoke of already. Humility, asking for help, knowing its ok to talk about certain things. Learning to not talk about others. The more I read this man’s quotes and books, the more its like I’m following the Buddha of hair. Treat your clients the way you want to be treated. Realize karma comes back around. If you are positive it comes back. Whatever you put in the universe comes back to you. The world of hair/beauty is changing. It is becoming a wonderful passionate, art community. I am learning to sculpt hair per person. Color with a purpose and with design. I wake up every day ecstatic to see who comes in. These are the things I’ve been missing in my life.

I can’t say I lack in the lesson of humility. I am quite familiar with it. Painfully so sometimes. I get so excited about life, I don’t realize that I might be trampling someone. Or so determined (stubborn) that I don’t want to ask for help. God forbid, I admit defeat. Humility. Human. Notice anything? We as humans start with humility. Where do we lose it? There is a certain high to “feel better than someone else” but it is a false high. It is a defeating form of energy. Both for us and for the person/s we are doing it to. We live our life based off of energy. You know that conversation you had with someone, where the whole room seemed to brighten? You walked away feeling on cloud nine? You realized the other person was walking a step lighter too? That is how our conversations should be. If we were able to watch how we spoke to people. If we realized that being right, means nothing. If we could put aside ourselves to see someone else. We could always have that kind of conversation. Not every human will have that connection. Not every human is awake.

I never thought of humility behind the chair. Not that I’m a pompous person by any means. I try very hard to be humble yet vibrant. It just never occurred to me. To tell my story to clients as truth. With no bias or drama in it. It was the first time I yearned to learn more about humility. To truly appreciate it. I understood it in that horribly uncomfortable chair as I was hanging on to every word he said. Wanting to become more and more like him. (And the gentleman that co-created their movement.) They have restarted the fire in my heart. The reason I stand behind a chair. (And next to a table.) They have set me on a path of knowledge, humility, selflessness, and hopefully better hair.

Fumbling with wires, digging for iPhone holder, holding onto straining leash….*sighs exasperated* “It takes me forever to get started on anything. I’m like a very sluggish tornado. Maybe I’ll just curl up on couch.” Loki looks at me with perked ears like “C’mon mom, let’s go already!”

I press play on the Nike+GPS (usually forget this until half way through the run.) Tripping over Loki in the first half block, this is gonna be interesting. Chrissy and I had taken the dogkids running before. However, I’d never had time with Loki. She and I have 6 left feet together. Add that to all the cracks in the sidewalk and the telephone polls, I’m surprised we made it anywhere. By the time we hit the park we had a pretty good groove going. She seemed to relax when we hit the park. Who can blame her for wanting more trees and less concrete? My mind wanders more and more to having a farm….

Today was the first time to run with Loki, who isn’t quite my speed. That was a good thing today. It was also my first time running in Barefoot Merrell shoes and attempting Chi Running. Chrissy has harped on my for months….maybe a year….to get Merrell shoes. I had bought her new ones, but yet to spend the money on myself. I bit the bullet and found a cute pair. I decided between hair and massage, my feet needed a bit of proper shoes. The only real way to try out a pair of shoes is to run in them right? Barefoot Merrells are made to feel like you are running barefoot. There is a trend going on right now to run barefoot and I haven’t quite done the research I’d like to yet.

A very good friend has recently picked up her running habits again. “So I know you love things that have to do with energy and what not. Have you heard of Chi Running yet?” My mind immediately began racing. No, I hadn’t heard of it. Yes, I want to do it. Chi is life force. Something I have been trying to learn more about since going to massage school. Chi is the essence of life. It exists in all of us. You read about it in Eastern philosophies. My life flows more and more to ancient eastern cultures. Simplicity. Mindfulness. Energies. Healing. Mediation. These are all key words that perk my ears up. (I’ve actually spent the whole weekend reading about Tantra….)

She proceeds to explain that a man has formed Chi Running to correct our running. To take the weight off of our heels, out of our legs, and use inertia to propel us. It sounds like Crossfit for runners to me. (Crossfit uses gravity and inertia to correctly lift heavier weights.) I have ordered my book and hope to start it soon.

Today’s run by no means was a “Chi Run” but it was a Betsy-chi run. My toes grazed the pavement. My abs contracted to push me faster. My breathing was slower and intentional. I felt like a ballerina running. I felt my body connect as one. I have been trying to do this for years. I have always loved running and am a runner at heart.

For the first time, I felt graceful. I was soaring.

My body and soul went for a run. My mind just tagged along.

*Ker-plunk-thud-thunk-whack*

Yes, that was me falling off the band wagon. Face first. Clueless.

One step forward, two steps back. Well, lets look at my last two steps/entries. I wanted to read two different books and comment on them. I wanted to get back to writing. Back to my passions. I think that was the *Ker-plunk* part.

I wanted to eat healthier and get back to some form of gym.  Something I had done once before but had lost sight of. Aaaaaaaaaand *thud-thunk*

Then there was the whole “I wanna go to church every weekend!” Become more spiritual and get in contact with a higher power. Yup, you guessed it. *WHACK!* Somehow this part hit the hardest.

January 1st is the day the whole world puts a fresh face forward. No exception here. I’ve always secretly looked forward to a fresh start. I feel like I’ve had a lot of rough years, made some really stupid choices, and had karma back hand me few times. This year I wrote out my list. Started preparing my head for what my heart needed to happen this year. We will come back to this at the end of the year and see where I am.

Also starting January 1st I started a diet challenge. *Cringe* I just became one of the millions changing my diet on the new year. I was not prepared for how it would change my life. It should have been called a lifestyle challenge. It picked up my world, restructured it, and handed it back to me.

For 30 days we were challenged to eat a 100% Paleo diet, do plank holds, plank ups, squats, prepare meals, research the Paleo/Primal lifestyle, drink 21 ounces of water, take extra vitamins and keep track of it all. Let’s just say I officially despise plank ups. But I can hold a 2:30 minute plank hold!

Paleolithic diet consists of eating no beans, corn, gluten, or sugar. You were fine with no beans and prolly could do without the corn. But I totally just caught your jaw drop when I mentioned no gluten or sugar. I am actually allergic to gluten so that wasn’t going to be too hard.

I only had two cravings in the 30 days. I was never hungry (unless I was slammed at work and couldn’t get to food.) I lost no weight, but all my pants are falling off me. And for the first time in my life I’m losing my little pouch thing, while getting ab definition. All while barely going to the gym. Add in that I haven’t had any stomach pain or migraines for 30 days. Which means no medicines, and no trips to the ER.

Can your “diet” do that? (Your stomach is prolly growling as you shake your head no.) If you really want more info on the Paleo/Primal life click here.

My goals were to eat perfect for 20 out of the 30 days. Successfully made 28 perfect days. Now I need to adjust my life to a 85/15 rule. For a majority of the time I will eat perfect. Mainly because my body won’t allow me to cheat. The other 15% means I can have the Taco Bell I’ve been craving…..

I have learned to love to cook. Even create my own recipes. I haven’t lost brownies or cookies or lasagna. Just found new ways to make them. I will be learning to garden this summer. Maybe get chickens. This challenge has opened a whole new life to me. Strangely even giving me a purpose that I would never have thought twice about. I’ve relearned to grocery shop, to read labels and whats in them. I’ve learned what vitamins to take and why. I’ve gone back to the gym. My energy has zoomed. I am me again. I am the happy, bubbly girl again.

So what started as a challenge has taught me so much. I couldn’t be more grateful.

Miracle Hour-First five minutes

The theory to my little booklet, is 5 minutes by 5 minutes you can give God an hour of prayer. I really like this theory. I don’t feel I’ve ever had a problem praying, but I’ve had a problem keeping a relationship with God. I became painfully aware of this when I read the first paragraph and couldn’t stop crying. I think I read the first page for a few days before I ventured into reading anything else.
I’d had a rough day with decisions that would affect Emma. As I was crawling into bed mentally and physically exhausted I grabbed the booklet. I just opened it, the page opened to “Forgiveness” I don’t feel that I usually have an issue with forgiveness. But today, today I needed this. I felt like I heard Him say,

Dear Betsy,

<smack> I think you should start here. By the way, you asked for my help, here is my reminder that I am always watching. And I’m still holding your hand, hoping to lead you the way.

Ever so lovingly,
God

You do kinda have to admire the humor from upstairs….

“Life is too short and too precious to waste being trapped and bound in the chains of unforgiveness. Let it go today. You won’t be sorry. Forgiveness begins with a decision; the emotions follow.” I needed to hear this. I have always forgiven if it’s been easy. I’ve never been one to throw the past in someone’s face. But that doesn’t mean I don’t hold on to it and continue to judge them. I say that I do this to protect myself. Is it really protection? Or a reason to point a finger and blame? I don’t want to be that person.
I was once complaining about how someone wasn’t seeing things my way. They weren’t choosing to grow like I was. They were judgmental and selfish. This person drove me crazy. “They know not what they do,” I was told. As a child can only be held responsible for what they know, you cannot expect someone to see or want what you do. If they didn’t have the desire to grow, then I can’t get upset. They didn’t know what they were missing or any other way to see it. So if they didn’t have the knowledge, then how can I still point a finger?
Yes, I still get frustrated when someone doesn’t see my point of view. But that’s not really fair, now is it? Not everyone thinks like me. Not everyone has had my experiences. Not everyone would my choices. So how can I get upset just because they may not have had the same thought process?
This booklet led me through many mini prayers about who to forgive and how. Little things like, “I forgive every member of Society…” to big things like, “I forgive my Mother….Father….Siblings….” I was unaware at how many places I needed to forgive. This wasn’t too hard for me. I wanted to let go. I wanted the burden off my shoulders. It is something I will continue to work on.
I finally feel I can breathe.

I made an appt today to do this. It is on my bucket list…

Hi Betsy,
Do I have your correct last name? Doughrty
Several things:

Here is the link to my website if you want to post it to fb.
www.consciousfreedom.net

A short description of PSYCH-K.
PSYCH-K is a process that allows you change your subconscious programming. If we use the analogy of a computer, subconscious programming would be the software on the hard drive. If you have two or more programs that conflict with each other at worst it can crash the system and you lose your data. At best it really slows down the whole system, you don’t get much done in the time you have and the programs you can run on that computer are limited. When you fix the conflicting programs your whole system operates quickly, easily and efficiently. Everything is easier.
So it is with our subconscious programming. The P-K process allows you to know what your subconscious believes, keep what works and change what doesn’t. You can even install new programs, like “I love myself unconditionally”, “All of my relationships feed my soul”, “I allow myself to be more successful than my ______” , etc. Once your subconscious has the program it operates effortlessly and automatically in the background affecting your moods and your behaviors. It’s a breeze to use and only takes a weekend to learn. More info at my website, www.consciousfreedom.net

Here are the links to the PSYCH-K video in many parts.
The Biology of Perception, The Psychology of Change

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0UF3wp479Jg&feature=related

Our instructor agreement says that we should always capitalize PSYCH-K and sometimes it feels to me like I’m web shouting, hahaha!

Since the day I found out I would be giving birth to a small being, I started my path of learning. I wanted to know truths. Simple and complex, big and small, me- inside and out. I have succeeded with some and failed with others. Recently life became harder and harder. I’ve always been a hard worker. But why was I not making it anywhere? Why couldn’t I pay bills? Why was I becoming consumed in work? Why did I have no energy? Why was I missing time with my daughter lost in thought instead of playing? Why was I no longer, bubbly Betsy? What was missing??
I wasn’t unhappy, just couldn’t figure out the missing link. Then as God winked on me, I realized what I had been missing for many years.
They say that everything happens for a reason. That nothing is a coincidence. A friend shared that, when you think it’s a coincidence, it’s God winking at you. Last week was the most amazing wink I could have ever asked for. I don’t think my clients are aware of how big an impact they make on my life. I’d been asking what was wrong with me, and client after client gave me their support. Their stories were what I needed to hear. The guidance I’d been asking for.
Could I really have my cake and eat it too? I almost have to laugh at myself. Because yes, yes I can. I was raised in a Catholic Church. I was the most God-loving little girl you could have ever met. I even wanted to become a nun. (<–amusing in so many ways) But I never understood how my God could kick my father out of a church. A man that needed help and guidance, was put out. I turned my back and ran. I turned off my emotions, I became a body without a soul. When God put a new soul in me, I realized I knew better. So began my craving for enlightenment.
In two conversations, in one day, I knew what I needed. But nah, it couldn’t really make a difference. ….could it?
After dropping Emma off at her dad’s, I started sobbing. Just breaking down as I was driving, I could feel me crumbling. I started talking aloud, just babbling. Trying to find my sanity, trying to control a life that wasn’t mine to control, trying anything to avoid feeling a failure. I felt crazy, insane for the tears wouldn’t let up, and I just kept talking. Then I began listening. Feeling. Being. Breathing.
The poem Footprints flashed before my eyes. I’d been living my favorite childhood poem, blind to what was happening. I blamed Him, and yet I wouldn’t even give up control. (Little bit of an oxymoron….) I knew His presence was always there, but I thought my footprints were the ones I saw….
How could I be an empath and still be a child of God? How do I have healing hands and still have a place in a church? How could I have grown up talking to animals and spirits and not be a lunatic? Simple. I am me. God made me. He has a path for me and now I can begin to follow it.
I was given a pamphlet “Miracle Hour” by Linda Schubert. And I’ve found a book “The Invitation” by Oriah. I will be reading these as a guidance to a better life. Please feel free to read these with me. As I read the chapters, I will post my journey online. In hopes that someone else will learn from me. As I learned from my clients, my friends, my angels…
I am moving on to a life I have been craving. A life with God, The All, Yahweh…

‘As a deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for You, O God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When can I go and meet with God?’ (Psalm 42:1-2)

Bear with me a bit on this piece. This is my thought pattern with no editing. I know who I am but I’ve been trying to understand my choices in life. So again, this is my thought process, this is me—-unedited.

Halloween is coming up, trying to decide what costumes to wear. I’m leaning towards pirates. Maybe even getting Emma a parrot for her shoulder. As a kid, please don’t hold this against me, my favorite costume was Dianna Troy. Yes, the curly black haired beautiful woman on Star Trek. My family was a Trekkie family. I think we dressed in Star Trek for 3 or 4 years in a row. My mom was always some one from the medical unit, dad was Jean Luc Picard, and I was Dianna Troy. *sighs wistfully*
It dawned on me this morning that I always wanted to dress up like her, because of my crush on her. My first two crushes from the big screen were Dianna and Sara Jessica Parker in Hocus Pocus. And I never knew? Reeeeeallllly, Betsy? I have to laugh a little at myself.
I dressed like a boy and fought with boys. Not in the “I think you’re cute <giggles>” kind of chase. More of the “You annoy me, and I’d like to maim you” kind of way. I remember blushing if a cute girl talked to me, if I could even answer her. Or if there was a movie on that I liked the girl in, because I didn’t want my mom to find out. I always got along with the boys better. (I tend to think a bit more like a boy as well.) I loooooved playing basketball, but hated being in the changing rooms. For one, I was one of the most picked on kids in school. On the bus too, for that matter. For two, I always wanted to look at the other girls but thought something was wrong with me.
Girls didn’t like girls. Girls were to be with boys and that’s it. I’d never seen two girls together. Hell, I was so sheltered I’d never seen a black kid until like second grade.  (The first black kid I met, later became my first adopted brother.) Yup, I was that white girl that went to a catholic school. Protected from the world and sheltered from life.
When I became pregnant with my daughter, I decided it was time to come out of my shell. To finally figure out who I was, and who I wanted to become. I changed a lot when I was pregnant. I was loud, in your face, workaholic/party girl, a selfish girl, someone unwilling to grow up. A true free spirit with no understanding of responsibility. Pointing fingers as a victim instead of owning up to responsibility. I was now going to be the adult, the mother. This petrified me. I was going to give birth to a human being and going to get married to a man. How did I end up here? Where did I start down this path? I started texting my two best friends asking how to get out. How do I accept who I am? How do I tell my family “I know I’m 7 months prego, but I don’t really want to be with boys anymore. Not to mention the man I’m engaged to.” Even more of a question, how do you sit down with your fiancee and say “By the way, I think I’m gay. Sorry I’ve been leading you on”….? I didn’t have to tell him. He read my phone.
We did split for awhile. I moved into my own place by myself, prego and all. But my family explained that it was hormones. That he was a good guy and I was ridiculous to just “try a phase.” That grass wasn’t greener on the other side. That part of growing up was excepting the life I chose. Three months later I was a mom and a wife.
What happened to the little girl with the crush on Dianna Troy? Where did I lose me? As I put my life together, I wondered this everyday. I’d been starting to follow my childhood dreams…there was a piece missing still. I didn’t want a specific woman, but found myself longing what friends of mine had. Felt more and more comfortable at the local gay bar. I’d drunkenly call a good friend and ask how to “be gay.” My eyes started to wander….my heart had already left. It was my time to leave before I hurt someone anymore. Especially me. I remember vividly the *Aha* moment I knew it was time. He spent an hour and a half explaining to me how he already knew I didn’t want to be with men. All my friends just smiled. But how did I get here? How did I lower what I really wanted? Did I really worry so much about what people thought of me, that I chose to be someone else? Did I really get tortured so much that I couldn’t stand up for myself? I feel a little (a lot) like I let myself down. I don’t regret any choice I’ve made. But I do believe in understanding choices. Why I went down certain roads.
The answer is simple and won’t happen again. I played victim to being teased and hid in my mind for fear of what people would think.
So my path to be true to myself started. I can only teach my daughter by example. No putting aside my passions, my morals, my truths to my heart.